It is all starting to sink in and I have SO much to do!

Reality struck this morning and DAMN I have a lot to do! I am trying to sell off most of our winter stuff since we won't be needing it. I have made tentative plans to organize the kids toys so when the movers get her it doesn't all just get dumped into boxes I have to organize when we get to Luke. Depending on when our pack out date gets set for I am going to start packing what we are actually taking with us and what will be shipped in our smaller shipment. Honestly right now I am just making plans because the timing is still so uncertain but I see a lot of laundry in my future. I have sent out a message looking for someone to come help me clean the house for our out processing. I got the list of specifics today and it really isn't that bad, it just needs to be clean. The fridge, oven, bathtubs, and blinds are all gonna suck but the rest of it is kinda common sense stuff. Feeling oddly frantic because I woke up this morning and realized it was actually happening. Feeling a little sore, I think the weather is changing and between that and the stress of all that needs to be accomplished I am going to try to spend today just relaxing and organizing my game plan. We should know our pack out date soon and I don't care if I have to spend extra they are not moving FMO furniture in here for us to sleep on, I am going to the Misawa Inn. My meds are helping but I still have to make a doctors appointment before I leave and I am dreading it. I am really hoping I don't have to go all super bitch but I am going in prepared either way.

Excited but intimidated by all the changes.

So, even though it will sound melodramatic, I am standing at the edge of this yawning abyss. I am about to leave behind all the good and bad things that Misawa has and take a leap of faith that Arizona will be better. I keep psyching myself up saying, oh well, there is this thing and that thing, and it is gonna be great. In reality I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat thinking what if. In so many ways I am so happy about this. The first, obviously, is having access to a real doctor that might actually give a shit and help me. We are looking at houses and shouldn't have a problem with getting a loan and actually owning property for the first time in our lives. Of course that means additional worries like property taxes, broken water heaters, and how much does pool maintenance really cost? I am looking forward to being back in the states but I will miss Japan and all the wonderful people I have met here so much! It sounds like Mark's work situation will change for the better but there are no guarantees. All of this is happening so quickly yet somehow I feel like I am moving in slow motion. Mark has been so busy out processing while I have spent a lot of time on the couch or in bed. I keep trying to organize my thoughts and develop a good game plan but even though we are leaving very quickly there is still so much that is unknown that it is difficult to make plans that I know I can follow through on. My new medication is really helping. I am a lot less sore and achy but the tenderness and tension in my shoulders is worse now then it was with my previous medication. It makes me feel sluggish, like I am moving through water. I also think it effects my concentration because I find myself asking the same questions over and over again. I am still debating putting Gavin in school since he would only be there for about ten days before we pulled him out again. It would be nice to have him occupied with that so he doesn't get stressed about the move but at the same time he really is helpful. We should find out soon when TMO will be here to pack us out, and we are trying to decide the best day to do that. I am also trying to find someone who can do a PCS cleaning but since we don't know the days that has been difficult too. I know I have to see my doctor one more time to get a refill of a prescription and because she told me that she would give me medication that would help me travel. After the four days of misery I experienced and her absolute refusal to give me anything for relief I am not sure how that appointment is going to go. I do know that if she denies me any help I am going to demand to see her supervisor immediately and if necessary scream down the walls of that hospital until I get what I need. I am still so angry at her and I am really hoping it doesn't come to that. It is funny the more I have tried to be a polite and positive person the more I think people have tried to take advantage of me. Just because I choose not to be a bitch certainly doesn't mean I can't or that I am afraid to. Mark is irritated with me because he has so much on his plate right now and my sleeping schedule has not been very accommodating. We did have a really good discussion last night about our fears and trying to keep our relationship close and hold on tight to our sense of humor. It made me feel a lot better even though I don't think it was a conversation he wanted to have, especially at 3 in the morning. Even as I am sitting here writing this I am still trying to make a plan on how to go about everything. What are we getting rid of, what goes in our smaller shipment, what can I sell, when should I get my cars ready for sale and will they sell? Ugh, there is so much to do, so little time, and I am so overwhelmed by it all. I know it is a good thing but it just all seems so huge. I am going to go back upstairs and crawl into bed hoping that instead of laying there thinking of all the things I need to get done I can actually get some sleep.

I feel like poop but we have gotten a lot accomplished.

Ugh, I am feeling so lazy and weighed down. My medication is helping my pain but I am glad I am going to be escalating them soon because my hips, shoulders, back, and arms are hurting. I like this med but it makes me feel like I am walking through water. I am hoping when I get more accustomed to it I won't feel so heavy. Between Mark and I we managed to get the house steam cleaned. The kitchen and upstairs bathrooms need to be done and I need to sweep and mop downstairs. I am getting excited about leaving but it is happening so fast! We are trying to finish off our checklist and get out of here as soon as possible so we can get stateside, pick up my truck, visit family, and try to find a house. We are considering taking a six month lease or base housing so we can look around a little but the fact that we are going to be losing a lot of money scares me a bit.

A letter to the healthy world...

I read this recently and thought it was a good illustration of how difficult chronic pain can be and a good way to communicate my condition.

A LETTER TO THE HEALTHY WORLD FROM THE LAND OF CHRONIC PAIN AND FATIGUE

If you were born with healthy genes, you may know me but you don't understand me. I was not as lucky as you. I inherited the predisposition to chronic pain, fatigue and forgetfulness. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia (FMS) after months, years or even decades of mysterious physical and emotional problems. If you have the time to read on, I would like to help you understand how different I am from you.

WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT FIBROMYALGIA

1. FMS is not the newest fad disease. In fact, it isn't a disease at all, and it isn't even new. In 1815, a surgeon at the University of Edenburgh, William Balfour, described fibromyalgia. Over the years, it has been known as chronic rheumatism, myalgia and fibrositis. Unlike diseases, syndromes do not have a known cause, but they do have a specific set of signs and symptoms which, unfortunately for the patient, take place together. Rheumatoid arthritis and lupus are also syndromes.

2. The many physical and emotional problems associated with FMS are not psychological in origin. This is not an "all in your head" disorder. In 1987, the American Medical Association recognized FMS as a true physical illness and major cause of disability.

3. Syndromes strike life-long athletes as viciously as they do couch potatoes. They can be disabling and depressing, interfering with even the simplest activities of daily life.

WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME

1. My pain - My pain is not your pain. It is not caused by inflammation. Taking your arthritis medication will not help me. I can not work my pain out or shake it off. It is not even a pain that stays put. Today it is in my shoulder, but tomorrow it may be in my foot or gone. My pain is believed to be caused by improper signals sent to the brain, possibly due to sleep disorders. It is not well understood, but it is real.

2. My fatigue - I am not merely tired. I am often in a severe state of exhaustion. I may want to participate in physical activities, but I can't. Please do not take this personally. If you saw me shopping in the mall yesterday, but I can't help you with yard work today, it isn't because I don't want to. I am, most likely, paying the price for stressing my muscles beyond their capability.

3. My forgetfulness - Those of us who suffer from it call it fibrofog. I may not remember your name, but I do remember you. I may not remember what I promised to do for you, even though you told me just seconds ago. My problem has nothing to do with my age but may be related to sleep deprivation. I do not have a selective memory. On some days, I just don't have any short-term memory at all.

4. My clumsiness - If I step on your toes or run into you five times in a crowd, I am not purposely targeting you. I do not have the muscle control for that. If you are behind me on the stairs, please be patient. These days, I take life and stairwells one step at a time.

5. My sensitivities - I just can't stand it! "It" could be any number of things: bright sunlight, loud or high-pitched noises, odors. FMS has been called the "aggravating everything disorder." So don't make me open the drapes or listen to your child scream. I really can't stand it.

6. My intolerance - I can't stand heat, either. Or humidity. If I am a man, I sweat...profusely. If I am a lady, I perspire. Both are equally embarrassing, so please don't feel compelled to point this shortcoming out to me. I know. And don't be surprised if I shake uncontrollably when it's cold. I don't tolerate cold, either. My internal thermostat is broken, and nobody knows how to fix it.

7. My depression - Yes, there are days when I would rather stay in bed or in the house or die. Severe, unrelenting pain can cause depression. Your sincere concern and understanding can pull me back from the brink. Your snide remarks can tip me over the edge.

8. My stress - My body does not handle stress well. If I have to give up my job, work part time, or handle my responsibilities from home, I'm not lazy. Everyday stresses make my symptoms worse and can incapacitate me completely.

9. My weight - I may be fat or I may be skinny. Either way, it is not by choice. My body is not your body. My appestat is broken, and nobody can tell me how to fix it.

10. My need for therapy - If I get a massage every week, don't envy me. My massage is not your massage. Consider how a massage would feel if that charley horse you had in your leg last week was all over your body. Massaging it out was very painful, but it had to be done. My body is knot-filled. If I can stand the pain, regular massage can help, at least temporarily.

11. My good days - If you see me smiling and functioning normally, don't assume I am well. I suffer from a chronic pain and fatigue illness with no cure. I can have my good days or weeks or even months. In fact, the good days are what keep me going.

12. My uniqueness - Even those who suffer from FMS are not alike. That means I may not have all of the problems mentioned above. I do have pain above and below the waist and on both sides of my body which has lasted for a very long time. I may have migraines or hip pain or shoulder pain or knee pain, but I do not have exactly the same pain as anyone else.

I hope that this helps you understand me, but if you still doubt my pain, your local bookstore, library and the internet have many good books and articles on fibromyalgia.

Author's note: This letter is based on communications with people throughout the world, males and females, who suffer from fibromyalgia. It does not represent any one of the over 10,000,000 people with FMS, but it can help the healthy person understand how devastating this illness can be. Please do not take these people and their pain lightly. You wouldn't want to spend even a day in their shoes... or their bodies.

An additional note is that this is a couple years old and now they know that our pain is based from our Central Nervous System, it sends out pain signals in a similar pattern to that of an epilleptic seizure, which is why things like Neurontin work on a fair number of us. It is an anti-seizure medication. They also know that once the pain signal reaches our muscles that our muscles seize it and start to reproduce the pain locally as well as stemming from our brains. So we get a double whammy of pain, just because our brain stops sending the signal it doesn't mean the pain will stop yet, now we know we have to wait for our muscles to agree to it as well. I sincerely hope that you all will take heart from this letter and share it with those you are close to. It made a big difference in my life. When I grasped who and what I had become, I wanted everyone to know and understand. I wanted everyone to have a fair shot to be in my life but to understand that if I make plans with you and cancel them at the last minute, it isn't my choice, it isn't an option. If you can't handle that or me forgetting important things, then we should end the friendship now, because this is me...for better or for worse. This IS the NEW me.

Finally turning the corner...

So pretty much nothing but good news right now. After the med squadron denied me any assistance in transitioning meds I finally got my Lyrica. It is really helping but it makes me sleepy, itchy, and hungry. I am feeling better though and I am still ramping up. Eventually I am supposed to be taking 12 pills a day but right now I am only up to five. I feel bad though, even though I feel better I have NO energy. The first pill I took knocked me on my butt big time! Also, WE GOT ORDERS!!!!! We are heading to Luke AFB in Phoenix Az. We are really excited and Mark is moving through our check out list as fast as possible. We are hoping to be out of here by the middle of September but we will see how that goes. I feel so bad being so lazy, there is so much to do! Two cars to sell, a house to purge, getting everything packed up, getting all of us checked out of the med squadron (dicks) and our info sent to Luke, getting the house cleaned, deciding what to take with us on the plane, dealing with the plane ride itself is a huge worry for me! AHHH!! Just thinking about it makes me want to take a nap, or maybe it is the meds? Happy and excited and sad all at once. I think right now I am just so overwhelmed by everything that I don't even know where to start. That doesn't even take into account all the things we need to do when we actually get back to the states! We are hoping to buy a house but we might end up taking a six month lease first so we can look around and aren't rushed. I don't want to end up buying a house in a bad area or school district just because I don't know better. I am also worried about how long Gavin will be out of school for. Like I said it is good news but oh my gosh there is a lot to think about and do!

Been awhile but nothings really changed

So it's been awhile since I have posted but honestly I have just felt like total shit and nothing else has really changed. I can't get a call back from my doctor to see if my Lyrica is in yet and we still don't have orders. Weaning off my meds has been really hard. I feel like I am wearing around a 40 pound vest that is just dragging on my back, hips, and shoulders. I can't sleep for shit but I can't seem to get out of bed or off the couch either. I cancelled my appointment with my therapist this morning. I feel like crap and I am still holding out hope that my doctor will call me back. My house is a total pit. By that I mean TOTAL pit! Everything needs to be done but I just don't have the energy to do it. I don't feel like I have energy to do anything. Mark has been gone to a AF Ball committee meeting since around 10:30. I am glad he is involved but damn I wish he could just stay home for a few days. We got our grocery shopping and Gavin's school supplies this weekend but honestly it wiped me out to where I couldn't do anything else so I ended up in bed. I stayed there most of Saturday night and Sunday morning. Don't get me wrong, I don't actually get any sleep, I just don't have the energy to get out of bed. Honestly I am feeling a little sorry for myself. This sucks. I have a girlfriend leaving really soon that I don't know if I am gonna get to see again, and another whose husband is coming home soon and her parents are flying in. They are gonna take her kids to Disney but she has been running non-stop for several months now and I really wish I could help her in some way. My mom and I haven't talked in awhile. I did get a chance to have a long conversation with a great girl I went to school with. She is so wonderful and positive even though she is facing her own struggles. I love her positive attitude and talking to her was wonderful! The heat has returned to Misawa with a vengeance but there is all this pressure in the air like it could rain at any second. I know the weather is contributing to my misery. That sounded so self-centered. My life could be worse in so many ways but I just have a really hard time remembering that sometimes. My kids have been in the middle of some sort of sibling battle royalle and have both been testing the limits of my sanity. My son is doing things on principle and Alynna just thinks he's being a dick. I kinda agree with both of them. Gavin is getting ready for school but I don't think that it has quite kicked in that his summer freedom is about to end. We are all covered in bug bites and that is just adding to our irritation. Ugh, in general I feel like shit, my house is a mess, my kids are debating killing each other, we still don't have orders, and I just want to pull the covers over my head and hide.

Long day and I haven't even really done anything.

I finally took a pill last night around 4:30 because I just couldn't fall asleep. Between Alynna sneaking into bed with us and just being uncomfortable I didn't sleep very well. I finally got some comfortable sleep when Mark and Alynna got up but I didn't actually get out of bed until almost 2. I laid around on the couch and screwed around on the internet until almost 5. I took a pill to help pep me up a bit and managed to pick up a little. A good friend is planning on coming over this evening to help me tackle my mountain of laundry. I swear, nothing would ever get folded if she didn't come over every now and then. I am still feeling like crap. My body is aching and sore and I am just hurting. I made several trips up and down the stairs and I don't know how many more of those trips I have left in me. I know at some point I have to get dishes done because they are seriously starting to take up counter space and one sink is completely full. They have all been soaked so other than unloading and reloading the dishwasher it won't be that hard. To be honest the idea of standing on my feet long enough to do it is enough to make me want to lay back down on the couch. How silly is that? The thought of doing something makes me tired. Overall even though I feel like shit my mood is actually pretty positive. Gavin had a really bad day today and I am struggling to find the right way to handle it. His friends at the park wouldn't talk or play with him today and he says he doesn't want to ever go back outside again. I told him that sometimes people are just jerks or they don't realize how much what they are doing hurts our feelings. I advised him to play for himself and if they want to play with him great and if not he can still have fun on his own. He is sticking to never going outside again but I think he will come around and I am trying to just be patient and let him come to that decision on his own. Is it wrong that I want to go outside and make some little kids feel really bad about themselves? My mother bear instincts came out watching him cry but I know the best way to learn from this experience is to let him handle it on his own terms. I have to go get school supplies and groceries tomorrow and I am not looking forward to it. I am really hoping I feel better tomorrow but I am going to take Gavin with me and in exchange for him cleaning my room and organizing his sisters room I am going to give him some money to buy something. I choose to look at it as paying him for helping me but I am really hoping he buys something that he wants to show his friends and will encourage him to go back outside. With everything that is going on in this house I know it is all adding to his level of stress and I am really hoping it will make him a stronger person in the long run but that doesn't mean I don't wish I could carry the burden of growing up for him. Both the kids are showing response to the stresses that permeate this house. I wish it was different but I really am doing the best I can. I really hope we get orders soon and that it gives us all some reason for excitement and motivation. We are still considering leaving before Mark but I can't imagine trying to travel with both the kids on my own. I am still waiting for a call back from my doctor about when my new med will come in and whether or not I can get a wheel chair. Hopefully I hear back from her tomorrow but it isn't like there is any hurry. Between bills, groceries, and school supplies our budget is going to be pretty tapped. I am really wishing this day and tomorrow were just magically over. It would be so nice to wake up tomorrow with a clean house, a full fridge, with school supplies ready to go. Never hurts to wish right.