Today is a good day, yeah, really...

So I got next to no sleep last night, I was up until 8:30 and then back up by 11:00. I am a little woozy but at least I am up and about and that is something right. I litterally have mounds of laundry that need to be folded but have NO motivation to do it. I did do the dishes yesterday and after a kool-aid accident mopped part of the kitchen but it was mostly a lazy day. Hung out with the fam and watched movies in the master bedroom last night. I think we were all a little wilted from the heat, but maybe that is part of why I am feeling better. I haven't had a good appetite for weeks but drinking all this water has completely killed it. One part of me hopes I am losing weight, the other part of me desperately wants my sodas back. I snuck two yesterday and the caffiene almost killed me. I am feeling pretty good, I know our orders have to be coming soon, the water has helped and I think so has the GoChi, Acai, and fat burner. I am planning on going to the dog park here in just a little bit with a friend I haven't seen in awhile and I am excited. I am still sore and achy and a little stiff but I really am having a good day and I am going to enjoy every second I can.

UPDATE: So before leaving I had to take a quick shower and get Alynna scrubbed off too. I used cool water hoping that it would help me a bit. I don't know what did it but between the shower and trying to put on my make-up I kept getting vertigo. It would come in spurts, sometimes it only lasted for a few seconds and sometimes a few minutes. I had decided to go to the dog park and then the BX and dammit I was going to go. My body still felt okay for the most part, my shoulders hurt from trying to wash my hair and then pull it back but other than being a little shaky I was okay. Amy and Shino, who are the sweetest, cme over to hlp me finsih getting ready and give me some time to settle. I was still a little shaky but the vertigo was coming for less time and for shorter periods. It was so much fun to watch the dogs run around and there is a small park attached. Shino was kind enough to watch the puppies play while Amy and I took Alynna over to the apark I was getting worse so I mostly sat and watched Amy play with Alynna. It was getting hot so I had decided to take Jiki home, cool her off and try to let myself settle a bit. The vertigo was still coming and going and I was shaky, my legs were hurting but sitting and talking to a neighbor with the windows down and the cool breeze blowing on my face helped a bit. I got to the store and was weak and getting worse but I was determined to finish my plans for the day. I got in the BX and could not remember why I had come. I got a few small things and headed out. By then the vertigo was back full time and I struggled to get Alynna out of the cart. I ran to the post office, which only took a second then I came home. Alynna was crashed out when we got home. getting her out and upstairs was a tricky but we both laid down and I took an hour and a half nap. Alynna is still crashed out. I am still feeling really shaky and the vertigo is back full force. Typing this had been tricky :) I am still determined to have a positive outlook but I think my laundry is going to continue to sit there for awhile. I am hoping sitting my lazy ass on the computer amd possibly doing some more yoga will help. We can't wait for ever for orders right???

Sleepy and feeling lazy today.

Got next to no sleep last night but after a two hour nap I am up and about. Mark and I talked about trying to go somewhere today but I think the last few days have caught up with me. I am not feeling bad exactly, just worn out and a little achy. Had lots of fun at Lorah's Bday party yesterday though all the noise and the sun coupled with a trip to the still under construction BX did me in. I came home and napped for a few hours which probably explains why I couldn't go to bed last night. The water really does seem to be helping and I stopped taking my tramazadone and indocin since I never really felt like they did anything anyway. I am going to see my therapist on the 20th and talk to her about the way Dr Bowes, yeah, I said his name, he's lucky I didn't just say "the prick", talked to me and how unprofessional I felt his attitude was. Maybe see what her perspective is and if she feels like it would be a good idea to file a formal complaint. We are still waiting on orders, Mark just ran downstairs to check but I am not hopeful. If they aren't there yet then we have to wait until Tuesday to check again. I really am starting to feel like we will be here forever. As horrible as it is to admit I don't even care about all the things I still want to see and do. I just want to get home, see family, get settled at our new base and hopefully buy a house. As much as the regimen I am on has made me feel better it hasn't been a cure all and I am afraid Mark is still looking for that magic thing that is going to fix everything and I still think this is gonna take some time and review from medical staff that actually have some experience with my concerns.
You know, on a side note, I took forever to sign up for Facebook or Myspace because it seemed so self involved and narcissistic. Then I finally did and I love it. Getting to talk to people I went to high school with, staying in close contact with family and friends that are far away. It's fun and it is nice to be able to celebrate or be pissed about something that happens to someone that doesn't live here. Same with blogging. I thought,"who wants to read about your pathetic life?" Then I started doing it and has actually turned out to be very cathartic. It really has helped me to sit down everyday and form my thoughts and then reading back on them see how I have done well in some areas and how I might need to take a different tack in others

Don't know what happened between last night but I am in raging super bitch mode today

Ugh, I don't know what my problem is. Went to sleep feeling a little sore and pissy. Woke up every hour on the hour on the hour either needing to pee or having my kid laying on top of me. Got up exhausted and feeling seriously bitchy and hurting. I am trying so hard to get out of my funk,as I have a bday party to go to in about an hour and don't want to scare any of the kids. Yesterday I felt so good, running around. It wasn't pain free but it felt like I was taking some of my life back. Thia morning I have thrown everyone out of my bedroom, including the dog and am just thinking mean hateful thoughts. Not about anyone in particular just generally mean, unjustified, poor me thoughts. I hate that I have days like this and worse I never know when they are coming. I don't care of it is a stupid bitchy and pointless thing to think. I fucking hate that I have days like this.
Update. I slept for another hour and woke up feeling better. I am headed with the fam to a birthday party that is guarenteed to rock so that is probably helping. Man I woke up this morning seriously ready to bitchslap someone for no reason except it might have made me feel better. Hoping that feeling doesn't come back.

Started off slow this morning but I am getting a lot done.

Okay first, fuck my doctor from yesterday. I am doing what I can to make my situation better and I don't feel this way because I am depressed. Mark and I have both started drinking bottles of unflourinated water by the truck load and I am doing a system cleanse with Acai and a fat burner. I got up this morning feeling sore and stiff and bitchy. I got up and got the kiddos ready and Mark and I went to the grocery store. I am about to leave to go grocery shopping off base with a friend for produce and if the kiddos are good to the 100Yen store. Feels great to get out and about even if I am still feeling a little stiff and sore. Now I just need to spend some time with Stephanie, Muriel, and Keri and life will be good. I am trying to make plans to go see Komaki Onsen koi and some other things with Heather. Richelle is the best! She called me out of the blue recently to ask if I wanted her to take the kiddos for a few hours. I ended up turning her down because my day was so crappy but just the fact she asked was so awesome. That is who I am going shopping with and I am excited. I am determined to make more time for my friends. Mark being home until 3 can make it tricky sometimes because I like to spend time with him but I am hoping to use that time to reconnect. Then after he leaves I am gonna try to make more time to see some friends. I am still angry after my doctors appointment but I see my therapist on the 20th and I am gonna wait and get her perspective before doing anything about my doctor. I feel so scattered and it is probably coming across in this blog but I am loving getting out of the house and being a little more active.

Today was a pretty good day, until an asshole ruined it.

I woke up a little early so I could go take care of our car insurance before my doctors appointment. I was shaky and a little weak but for the most part I felt pretty good. I finished up with the insurance place and had enough time to run to the bookstore before my doctors appointment where I found my favorite series newest book. Man, I was on a roll, I was feeling okay, I had gotten stuff done, I was up before noon, and my doctor was gonna give me botox which I had heard good things about. I get there and we start talking about me going back to the states and how I would really appreciate him adding a letter of support to my package to try to expedite it. He leans back in his chair, clasps his hands together and asks me why I think going back to the states is gonna help. First I just thought WTF? I explained that having a team of doctors that were experienced in their fields would be able to better treat my conditions. He leaned back a little farther and started to tell me that he thought my problems came from depression. They had already done about $50,000 worth of blood tests that all came back normal and that the botox we were about to use was another $1,000. My eyes just about bugged out of my head and I could feel my inner super bitch seriously starting to claw her way out. I asked him if he was basically saying that all this was in my head. He leaned forward with his "concerned face" and said no, of course not. That adjusting to a foreign country could be very difficult. I told him that yeah, it had been so hard getting my son into a great school, finding a job I loved, making some of the best friends imaginable, learning (at least conversationally) a foreign language, and being able to travel a foreign land that most people will never have or take the opportunity to. That basically, I loved it here but my body didn't. He then went onto ask why I though I felt so poorly. The inner bitch was screaming,"Aren't you the fucking doctor??" I said I didn't know that I had been researching all these different things that caused auto-immune responses. Like flouride toxicity, misotoxions, and conditions associated with my graves disease, and myastenia gravis. That I was not only trying to figure out how these conditions could be causing the problems but how I could treat them personally, without medications. He then went onto tell me that my test for myastenia gravis had come back negative. My inner bitch was seriously having a temper tantrum at this point. The testing for myastenia gravis is a test for a certain immune communicator, not having it doesn't mean I don't have the disorder and having the disorder explains a lot about my symptoms that are not unheard of but are rare in fibromyalgia. I explained to him that I was not a depressive or negative person that living the in pain the way I was forced to was what felt isolating and difficult. He tells me,"Well, you got to get out there and stay active." My response was so that I could crash for three days after? He told me that he was sure if I just made an effort to get out and do more that I would start to feel better. My response was that I try but I can't control it when my body is hurting, my head is throbbing, and my muscles are weak. He asked me if I had been trying to do the things that seemed helpful to fibro sufferers. I said yes, I do yoga for 30 minutes a day even when it was very painful, that I tried to sleep when I could, do things when I couldn't to keep myself distracted from my pain, eating healthier, and I had just started a water cleansing process with Acai. He then went onto criticizing my list of meds. Klonopin, which has been extremely helpful in helping me through my worst times, was the one he wanted me off of. Baclafor, my muscle relaxants that I believe help were another. He also discussed taking me off my indocin, which I have never felt like really helped anyway was another. Okay buddy, no problem there, and my tramazadone which is supposed to help me sleep but I don't think really helps much anyway. He suggested putting me back on Pamalor but at a higher dosage since it did obviously help me reach a deeper level of sleep, even though I quit taking it because it made me fuzzy headed and feeling heavy and clumsy. But, of course, at a higher dose my body might handle it better. Higher dose than the one that ultimately made me quit my job?? At this point my inner bitch was out and ready to let loose. THEN, he told me that he personally didn't want to change any of my meds but he would talk to my general practitioner about it. Some of these changes I have no problems with but once I get back to the states I will be seeing a team of doctors that can adjust my meds based on an entirely new approach to my pain. Why are we switching things around now?? He also recommended me seeing my mental health provider more often so she could make suggestions that might help. I have been seeing her since Nov of 2009, usually twice a month. What else exactly did he think she was going to do? She understands and agrees with me quitting my job and taking it easier. At least while that is what my body is telling me to do. At that point I just asked him to do the Botox and I would stop wasting his time. Then the whole time he was doing it he kept reiterating that fibro is a depression disorder. I just tried to stay quiet because fibro is not a depressive disorder. It starts when your body begins interpreting sensation as pain, goes onto sleeplessness or light sleep, which triggers more pain, which triggers more sleeplessness. Most depressive disorders are about brain chemistry not about auto-immune responses. What kind of fucking doctor are you? You think I haven't done my research? That I don't understand the condition I was diagnosed with. I have even been researching unknown and difficult to test for neuropathic conditions. FUCK YOU! Thankfully he shut up and finished my botox explaining how long it would take to go into effect and how long it would last. When we were finished he told me that he would write a supporting letter for my EFMP file. I hope I get it first because with the way he feels about my condition no fucking thank you. He did emphasize that more pressure might send me back to the states without my husband. That is when I finally looked at him and just let go. I told him that both of my other supporting letters had specified that going back alone was not an option, that I would need my entire families involvement and support to deal with this and hopefully start to feel better. His response was well, his flight is really what is holding all this up. ARGH, I can't make them move any faster and my husband is already planning his rampage about the lack of help he has received from them. To include taking this to the flight Commander. Basically I left feeling so much worse about this. What if it was all in my head? What if I was making it worse with all my meds. I have been trying so hard to go against my own grain and accept that this isn't my fault and that I am not doing anything wrong. He basically told me that I was depressed, not trying hard enough, and taking to many medications. Yeah, thanks prick. I left for the house pissed and at the same time feeling so unsure. I got home and just went straight to bed. A really sweet friend had offered to come get my kiddos and let them play at her house for a few hours but I called and told her not to bother. Instead tomorrow we are going to go grocery shopping off base and possibly to the 100 Yen store which always cheers me up even though I know it will wear me out. The more I think about it fuck that idiot doctor and yet I can't help but wonder....

Jeez, another crappy day, I amost wish these didn't need a title

Went to bed late last night pretty warn out. Had some friends over and had fun but it did wear me down a bit. Mark came home pissed off and oddly indifferent. I know he is already struggling at work again. He keeps coming to me with these different possible reasons for me being sick. Everything from floride poisoning, to an auto immune response to mold, to drinking too much soda. It isn't that I don't appreciate him trying to find a reason but now he says he wants to send me home the second we get orders and maybe getting me out of here will help me feel better. He is talking about either leaving the kids here with him or having his family fly over to help me get them back. I really like that he is thinking about me but all of those options make me feel like a fool. He also wants to get rid of several of our furniture because he is afraid it is contributing to my medical condition. I see the point but after moving how are we going to purchase a house and our new stuff? Basically, I am going to leave my husband, who is working a demanding job, to pack out our stuff and prepare everything to move? It just seems unfair that he is taking so much of this on himself. Worse, I can't do anything but let him.
Originally I was told we should hear back from our EFMP program within a week. Since then it has been next week, next week. I just called them to check our status and the girl told me not to expect an immediate response and that I probably still have some more waiting to do.
At this point I can't lie anymore or hide it. This is progressive. I spend my days trying to find the motivation to do simple things like the dishes, getting laundry folded, or just getting off my ass. My incredibly intellegent daughter spends her days watching tv and I know there is so much more I should be doing to facilitate her interests and her experiences but I shake so hard sometimes that even writing the alphabet is too much. I don't worry as much about Gavin because he has so much freedom, and lots of friends to play with. Our fabulous neighbor took him to two different beaches yesterday with her own three boys. One part of me was so excited that he got to go and experience that, another part was jealous that I wasn't the one taking him. I brought up taking some trips to close by places and my husband told me he didn't think it was a good idea since I got so easily warn down. I just want to experience as much of Japan as I can before I have to leave this beautiful country, probably forever.
I got up this morning aching really badly, especially in my hips. I still have cookies to decorate, more laundry needing to be folded, and dinner that needs to be made before my meat goes bad. I know it is repetitive to mention it but these are simple things and they seem so overwhelming. What almost makes it worse is that I have so many wonderful friends that would come and help me but they all have their own responsibilities and asking them to take care if mine makes me feel like I am taking advantage of them. I know that if I was feeling better I would make the same offer to them. I just don't want to leave them with empression of some needy and broken girl they knew that asked them to do everything for her. I want to be the one who helps, not the one who needs help. I guess it just feels like one more thing that was stolen from me. UGH! Fuck the way I feel dammit, I don't want to be this person.

Today has been a pretty good day but...

Last night I went to be around 12:30 with a problematic migraine. At it's worst I was really just swallowing pills in the hope that something would help. I fell asleep feeling really nauseous but luckily I was able to get ahead of it and fall asleep. I woke up several times throughout the night with pain especially in my hips and shoulders and my head was still aching. My husband slept on the couch which made me feel really guilty. I hate that he has to pay for this too. I didn't wake up until almost 3 when my husband had to go to work. I was still really sore and shaky so I took a shower with my daughter but I had to do it sitting on a stool and had a hard time getting my arms above shoulder level to wash my hair. I have been shaky all day but my husband finally did the dishes so me and my daughter made cookies. Later on we are going to decorate them. She wants to go outside so we can water my flowers but I am still a little too shaky so I keep blowing her off. Good grief I feel like I am shorting everyone I love. I wish I felt better but it is almost time to take my meds again and I am hoping they help. Hate that I feel so guilty all the time. My family deserves so much better and sometimes I wonder why they love me considering how much I am unable to do. On a positive note my wonderful neighbor took my son to a beach this morning to look for sea shells. After bringing her two youngest home for a nap they left to take another trip to a beach where the kids can really get into the water and play. She is so terrific, I wish I was more like her. Her husband is deployed yet she gets up with three boys to take care of and still does stuff with them. I can't imagine not having my husbands help, more with three busy boys to take care of. Fuck, I feel so useless.