Thursday, August 12, 2010

Blah, hurting and still having a really hard time getting any sleep.

I put in a call to my doctor this afternoon inquiring as to when my new meds will be in and expressing how uncomfortable I am. My doctor has an extreme aversion to using any kind of narcotics to relieve my pain because they are not part of the recommended treatment program for Fibromyalgia. On the one hand I understand, I don't want to become addicted to anything. On the other hand I am consistently frustrated by the fact that I am hurting and she refuses to give me anything to smooth this transition. This is the same woman that gave me 60 percocet while I was waiting for my blood test results. I have never asked for additional medication after my script has run out. When narcotics have been used in the ER I have never asked that they send me home with medication. I have shown absolutely no addictive or drug seeking behavior so I am having a really difficult time understanding why she refuses to give me something that would help my level of pain. Both times I have gone to the ER in a severe flare where I was having a hard time walking, and often was vomiting uncontrollably, I have been told that I could not have any medication to help me through what I was dealing with. It almost feels like a violation of the Hippocratic oath that they have the resources to help me but they won't. I recently had a complicated migraine and while I don't really remember it I was begging my husband to call the ambulance. He just kept trying to tell me that they wouldn't do anything to help me. This seems insane and almost an injustice that I have to suffer this way with no help. I am not asking for an open prescription for narcotics, I am just asking for something to help ease me through the worst parts. I don't think that request is unreasonable or a sign of some sort of addiction. I am really sore today and my body is aching. I want to just give up and lay down but that feels like cheating my children. So I am up, I have put my dishes into soak, I cleaned off my counter tops and made my son something to eat. I have no energy and really just want to sit here in front of the computer with my feet propped up and lots of pillows positioned around me to try and be comfortable and ignore the world. I know the weather coming in has increased my level of pain. I really resent feeling this way. I know I have only said it about a thousand times but this isn't me. I don't have the personality to sit on my ass and do nothing. It isn't that I don't have times of absolute laziness they are just tempered with days of action. I am done discussing this. Even I am sick of hearing myself talking about my level of pain. Okay, last time, I fucking hurt.

On an oddly positive/negative note we found out that the speaker at the AF ball is a really high up General. Mark is putting a lot of effort into putting together a really impressive electronic display and I am very impressed with what he has put together so far. He is receiving a lot of input from the committee and that is a very welcome change. We have been discussing the photos he will be using and even the possibility that I might spend a day or two with the new base commander trying to get some good photos to use. We don't know if that will happen but I am a decent photographer, I have a good camera, and I would love to be a part of this, even if it is a small part. We have also been discussing the shadow box that Mark will be making. They are wonderful as something to put on your desk or hang on a wall. He takes a simple shadow box, disassembles it, replaces the backing with fabric, generally uses coins, medals, or other Air Force memorabilia and attaches them to the backing. He is going to incorporate a Torii gate and an American flag but we have started to discuss what all he is going to add to it. He also etches the name of the speaker, the date, and the event on the glass front of the shadow box. I always love the way they come out. When he was younger Mark was a very talented artist. His tastes ran towards comic book style art and he still does a lot of that on the computer but his artistry has manifested in other areas that have really impressed me. In addition to learning how to use the photo and editing software online, by google video and youtube tutorials, he still uses his eye for symmetry and color disbursement for these projects. Honestly sometimes I am in awe of all he has taught himself and am very proud and grateful that he has found an outlet for his art in a way that benefits the military. I really hope he gets some recognition for his contributions this time.

On another front, we did find our copies of our tax returns for the year Colorado is trying to penalize us for. Our tax preparer converted our total taxable income, to include my income, onto his Colorado returns and that is what we are being taxed on. While getting in touch with the Colorado department of taxes we have manage to stave off any kind of garnishment. We have been in touch with H&R Block, who prepared our taxes, and they have opened a file to try and help us. I don't know how much help they will be but at least we have proof that it was filed incorrectly and can file an amended tax return so even if we owe them money, which we don't think we should, it won't be almost $1150. That has been a big relief. Now all we have to do is get Troy State to remove the money it says we owe and our home loan will be in the clear. Mark was taking a class through Troy State during hurricane Ivan. He spoke to his professor about the fact that we didn't even have a home more or less internet connection. His professor agreed to drop him from the class with no financial penalty. For some reason Troy state still says we owe them for the class so hopefully Mark will take care of that soon so we don't have any problems with our loan.

We still don't have orders yet but one of the girls involved in the EFMP program said she had received an email asking if we had family support in New Jersey. Yeah, that would be a big no and a bigger no thank you. I try to be a patient and positive person but I could see myself really losing it in Jersey and either getting shot or beating the crap out of someone, possibly both. Mark spoke to someone in the actual program and they removed McGuire from our list of possibilities but that really leads me to believe we will be sent stateside. Like I said, I don't care where we go. If it is stateside we may be able to buy a home and that is exciting, if we stay overseas we can continue to save money and pay off my vehicle to be in an even better financial position when we do return stateside. I just hope we get a response soon. We already know that it will be a 60 day process and Mark has asked that we stay at least until the AF ball so he can finish his work here and make sure it goes well. I have no problem with that, I just hope I am on my new medication and it is helping by then. I am actually excited to go. Several of my friends will be going and I would love to get some photos of us all dressed up.

Overall, I am still just trying to deal with the way my body is feeling and just get through each day as it comes. There are a lot of things that are positive in my life and I try to remind myself when I am hurting the most to be grateful for that.

1 comment:

  1. Sweetie, can't they give you Lyrica? My mom takes it for seizures, but it is actually for fibromyalgia. They should be giving you that. It is for all over pain and it is supposed to be one of the best for it............jenny