Friday, August 13, 2010

Long day and I haven't even really done anything.

I finally took a pill last night around 4:30 because I just couldn't fall asleep. Between Alynna sneaking into bed with us and just being uncomfortable I didn't sleep very well. I finally got some comfortable sleep when Mark and Alynna got up but I didn't actually get out of bed until almost 2. I laid around on the couch and screwed around on the internet until almost 5. I took a pill to help pep me up a bit and managed to pick up a little. A good friend is planning on coming over this evening to help me tackle my mountain of laundry. I swear, nothing would ever get folded if she didn't come over every now and then. I am still feeling like crap. My body is aching and sore and I am just hurting. I made several trips up and down the stairs and I don't know how many more of those trips I have left in me. I know at some point I have to get dishes done because they are seriously starting to take up counter space and one sink is completely full. They have all been soaked so other than unloading and reloading the dishwasher it won't be that hard. To be honest the idea of standing on my feet long enough to do it is enough to make me want to lay back down on the couch. How silly is that? The thought of doing something makes me tired. Overall even though I feel like shit my mood is actually pretty positive. Gavin had a really bad day today and I am struggling to find the right way to handle it. His friends at the park wouldn't talk or play with him today and he says he doesn't want to ever go back outside again. I told him that sometimes people are just jerks or they don't realize how much what they are doing hurts our feelings. I advised him to play for himself and if they want to play with him great and if not he can still have fun on his own. He is sticking to never going outside again but I think he will come around and I am trying to just be patient and let him come to that decision on his own. Is it wrong that I want to go outside and make some little kids feel really bad about themselves? My mother bear instincts came out watching him cry but I know the best way to learn from this experience is to let him handle it on his own terms. I have to go get school supplies and groceries tomorrow and I am not looking forward to it. I am really hoping I feel better tomorrow but I am going to take Gavin with me and in exchange for him cleaning my room and organizing his sisters room I am going to give him some money to buy something. I choose to look at it as paying him for helping me but I am really hoping he buys something that he wants to show his friends and will encourage him to go back outside. With everything that is going on in this house I know it is all adding to his level of stress and I am really hoping it will make him a stronger person in the long run but that doesn't mean I don't wish I could carry the burden of growing up for him. Both the kids are showing response to the stresses that permeate this house. I wish it was different but I really am doing the best I can. I really hope we get orders soon and that it gives us all some reason for excitement and motivation. We are still considering leaving before Mark but I can't imagine trying to travel with both the kids on my own. I am still waiting for a call back from my doctor about when my new med will come in and whether or not I can get a wheel chair. Hopefully I hear back from her tomorrow but it isn't like there is any hurry. Between bills, groceries, and school supplies our budget is going to be pretty tapped. I am really wishing this day and tomorrow were just magically over. It would be so nice to wake up tomorrow with a clean house, a full fridge, with school supplies ready to go. Never hurts to wish right.

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