Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Painful day today

So we still don't have orders. I know SURPRISE right? Mark is still so angry. I talked to him last night about needing him to be my cheerleader because right now I just can't do it. Even though it goes against his nature and when he is angry he tends to withdraw I really need to feel a connection with him. Like we are both working in the same direction and even though it sucks we love each other and like each other. Usually I am the one that provides the positivity and direction, right now I just don't have the energy. Then he came home this morning and told me he is taking on another project. He is going to be doing the electronic display and gift for the AF Ball. I am happy for him and know that he enjoys doing those things but between work, the help and connection I need, and this project I know something is going to have to be put on the back burner and I am pretty sure I know what it will be. He says it won't and we did discuss it but we have done this dance before.

I am hurting today. I think it is all the different things going on. Stress, changing meds which means I am weaning off one of my most helpful meds, and the changing weather. I feel like I am carrying around weights. Some on my shoulders, some on my hips, some on my back, and overall like I am just walking through water. It seems like it takes so much effort to do anything.

I had to take my meds close together yesterday and got a burst of energy. I cleaned my kitchen. By that I mean I CLEANED my kitchen, I took everything off the counters, scrubed everything down, did my dishes, and cleaned all my back splashes. I cleared off the computer desk and wiped it all down and put away all the computer components Mark had left out. I murphy oiled my dining room table and reorganized my center piece. I had fresh flowers, which I love but they left pollen on one of my mats so I had to change things around a bit. I also cleaned my downstairs bathroom including the toilet, which really needed it. I stopped when I really started to get shaky and started hurting but of course by then I had already pushed too much. Mark came home and was angry that I done so much but really it seems like so little to me and it needed to be done. He told me he was tired of me pushing myself so hard but it had to be done and I actually had the energy. Even though it doesn't seem like much it made me feel like I had accomplished something with my day. Mark really just wants me to laze about, and there are plenty of days that I have to do that, but I can't just lay here in a dirty house when I have the energy to do something about it. I think a lot of what he gets angry about is because he watched his mother do the same thing but she had a terminal condition, I don't. He said that after all the things this hospital has screwed up and knowing that I have abnormal branching in my brain they could have missed it and I could cause a bleed or an anuerism when I over do it or, I could hurt myself in an irreversable way and be crippled permanently. I understand where he is coming from but I don't think he understands that my personality will not allow me to just sit here if I have the energy to do something. Having the days just blur together makes me feel crazy. I have to feel like I accomplished something with my day. As an atheist I believe that this life is all I have. It is my responsibility to make the most of it. I only get one shot to love and live and take joy in everything I can. If that is having a nice dining room table arrangement or a clean kitchen that is enough to make me feel as though I have honored my life. I slept for a long time but it wasn't very restful sleep. I had a really hard time getting comfortable even though it was cooler in the house.

As for my mental state I am a little calmer. I really resent that I don't have more control or at least a more proactive role in all that is going on. I was sure we would be out of here before Gavin started school so I have put off getting school supplies so I am sure there will be things they are out of. I hate that I am going to have to make him switch schools during the middle of the year again. He did fine last time but it still concerns me. We got a letter from the state of Colorado where Mark is still a resident saying that we owed them a little over a $1000. H&R block misfiled our taxes in 2006 to include my income even though I am not a resident. We shouldn't owe them anything but I am afraid we are going to have to pay it anyway since we haven't been able to get a copy of the actual returns from either place. I have our records all the way back to 2007 but I don't have the one we need. It scares me because they are threatening to garnish his wages and if they do that I think we will lose our loan. Good bye savings. It won't wipe us out but it will definitely leave a big dent. Because we no longer have my income it has been more difficult to save anything. I am just worried about our finances in general. I know we won't get a lot back on our cars, and when we moved here we lost money on our allowance because of misinformation from Marks last squadron commander. I am just worried in general and I know that is adding to my stress and level of pain. I got an email from the person I got into the big argument with and am trying to decide how to handle it. I want to be honest but I don't want to hurt her or damage our relationship anymore than it already is. She said things that really hurt and made me doubt myself and worse she said them in anger and now says she didn't mean them. I don't do that, I don't say things in anger that I don't mean. Don't get me wrong, you probably don't want to piss me off enough to where I get real honest because I can say things that hurt, I just don't say things I don't mean, and that makes them hurt that much more. Gavin and I had to have a conversation yesterday because he has become disrespectful and started to neglect his chores. I had to explain that if he wants to enjoy all the freedoms we have given him then he has to fufill his responsibilities and maintain a good attitude at home or I can't trust him to give him those freedoms. I don't know how much it sunk in and I am afraid I am gonna have to put down the law there. I hate to think I am going to have to punish him right at the end of summer, I really want him to enjoy every second he can but he still has to listen and do what he is supposed to. Alynna is doing very well with the potty training but she still won't go poop and she has become such a drama queen. Especially with her brother. If he has something she wants or if he doesn't let her do things the way she wants to she has a breakdown that is just silly. She knows that Mark and I won't tolerate her fits but she is taking advantage of her relationship with him. She is becoming very independent and I want to foster that but at the same time there are days, well, there are days :) Overall, I am just exhausted and hurting. It doesn't matter why, I just hate the restrictions my body has placed on me. Even if it pisses Mark off I am going to continue to do what I can when I can and right now that is going to have to be enough.

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