Thursday, August 26, 2010

Excited but intimidated by all the changes.

So, even though it will sound melodramatic, I am standing at the edge of this yawning abyss. I am about to leave behind all the good and bad things that Misawa has and take a leap of faith that Arizona will be better. I keep psyching myself up saying, oh well, there is this thing and that thing, and it is gonna be great. In reality I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat thinking what if. In so many ways I am so happy about this. The first, obviously, is having access to a real doctor that might actually give a shit and help me. We are looking at houses and shouldn't have a problem with getting a loan and actually owning property for the first time in our lives. Of course that means additional worries like property taxes, broken water heaters, and how much does pool maintenance really cost? I am looking forward to being back in the states but I will miss Japan and all the wonderful people I have met here so much! It sounds like Mark's work situation will change for the better but there are no guarantees. All of this is happening so quickly yet somehow I feel like I am moving in slow motion. Mark has been so busy out processing while I have spent a lot of time on the couch or in bed. I keep trying to organize my thoughts and develop a good game plan but even though we are leaving very quickly there is still so much that is unknown that it is difficult to make plans that I know I can follow through on. My new medication is really helping. I am a lot less sore and achy but the tenderness and tension in my shoulders is worse now then it was with my previous medication. It makes me feel sluggish, like I am moving through water. I also think it effects my concentration because I find myself asking the same questions over and over again. I am still debating putting Gavin in school since he would only be there for about ten days before we pulled him out again. It would be nice to have him occupied with that so he doesn't get stressed about the move but at the same time he really is helpful. We should find out soon when TMO will be here to pack us out, and we are trying to decide the best day to do that. I am also trying to find someone who can do a PCS cleaning but since we don't know the days that has been difficult too. I know I have to see my doctor one more time to get a refill of a prescription and because she told me that she would give me medication that would help me travel. After the four days of misery I experienced and her absolute refusal to give me anything for relief I am not sure how that appointment is going to go. I do know that if she denies me any help I am going to demand to see her supervisor immediately and if necessary scream down the walls of that hospital until I get what I need. I am still so angry at her and I am really hoping it doesn't come to that. It is funny the more I have tried to be a polite and positive person the more I think people have tried to take advantage of me. Just because I choose not to be a bitch certainly doesn't mean I can't or that I am afraid to. Mark is irritated with me because he has so much on his plate right now and my sleeping schedule has not been very accommodating. We did have a really good discussion last night about our fears and trying to keep our relationship close and hold on tight to our sense of humor. It made me feel a lot better even though I don't think it was a conversation he wanted to have, especially at 3 in the morning. Even as I am sitting here writing this I am still trying to make a plan on how to go about everything. What are we getting rid of, what goes in our smaller shipment, what can I sell, when should I get my cars ready for sale and will they sell? Ugh, there is so much to do, so little time, and I am so overwhelmed by it all. I know it is a good thing but it just all seems so huge. I am going to go back upstairs and crawl into bed hoping that instead of laying there thinking of all the things I need to get done I can actually get some sleep.

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