Melancholy, what an odd word. Dissatisfaction, loneliness, uncertainty, intimidation, isolation, and helpless hopelessness. It is a word that means a lot to everyone in a different way. That is the best word to describe where I am right now. Whatever your interpretation of the word probably fits some part of how I am feeling. I try really hard to be a positive person but right now I feel so...I don't even know the word for it. For those of you who know me well that says a lot in itself. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, my children are happy, yet I feel completely disconnected from it all. I know that I am walking a delicate line between my normal optimism and this endless well of self-pity and despair. I keep trying to tip the scales the way I know I need to go but there is this conflicting pull just to bury my head and avoid it all.
Today is not a good day for my body. I am hurting and aching and moving slow. Mark said that he had someone from the EFMP program confirm that we would have orders by Friday. I don't have any faith in that. Even if we get orders it is just the beginning of the process. I have so many doubts and insecurities that I don't have anyway to assuage. My attitude has always been that whatever it is we just need to find the best way to deal with it that has the least impact on our children. Right now I am the obstacle. How do I deal with the way I feel and keep it from impacting my family? Right now I am really struggling to be everything to everyone that needs me. I can't help but look back over my day and feel like I have failed in every way possible. I haven't done dishes in days, there is another mountain of laundry to be folded, there is no way I can run the vacuum right now, and my kids haven't had a real home cooked meal in a week. They have been living on sandwiches, spagetti O's, frozen pizza, and chicken nuggets. My husband is so frustrated with the way I am acting but I can't seem to make him understand that it isn't a choice. He says get mad, get determined that there is something better coming. I don't want to feel this way or act this way but I can't help but be who I am right now. This second will pass and I know I will find my way back to the right path. My personality won't allow anything else. But, this second, this minute, of this day I am just so exhausted of all of it. Even the idea of getting orders is depressing because that means there is so much I have to do. Every task, every emotion just feels overwhelming. I can't help but to dwell on the negative because I feel so negative. Right now I feel like I have no purpose. All I am doing is bringing my family down. That is such a ridiculous thing to say but that is how I feel.