Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Another day, waiting...

Alynna got up at 4:30am which means so did I :) I didn't get much sleep but other than being tired and achy I was up and down anyway. Mark got up around 9 and I was able to lay back down. Now it is 1 and I am up again. I am hurting but I just took my meds and I am hoping they help. It is already hot as hell and I have a fan pointed right at me. Things today are as well as they can be I guess. I am still just sick of waiting. I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow and I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday. They give you these forms to fill out when you get there and one of the questions was do you feel suicidal. I marked yes, in the lowest way possible. I told my therapist that I don't want to kill myself sometimes I just want to die. Especially after my migraine and begging Mark to take me to the ER and him telling me that they wouldn't do anything. He was right, they wouldn't have. I don't think that it is right that I live in pain. I am not asking for narcotics but it just doesn't seem fair. I am a little worried about my doctor appointment. After what Dr. Bowes (prick) said I have a feeling she is going to want to change my meds again. Right now I am taking a drug for panic attacks for my pain. They do help slow down my escalation of pain but then by the time they wear off I am in full blown pain, and what is my option? To take another pill? I want to talk to her about Lyrica and see if I that doesn't help me. My frustration is that they just don't want to deal with me anymore. I have a 20 minute appointment slot and the first five minutes she spends getting her computer up and running. The next fifteen she spends looking online and through a book to determine drug interactions to see what else she can give me. I know she doesn't have any idea what to do with me. It isn't like Dr. Bowes who just thinks I am melodramatic, I think she really wants to help, she just doesn't know how. I am going to get off here and call paitent advocacy again to see what is going on with my concern about Dr. Bowes. He is such a self rightous prick, and after all he has a medical degree and I am just some uninformed idiot so I don't know what I expect.
I talked to a friend recently and she reminded me how dismissive I used to be about both Facebook and blogs. I use to think that only sefl-absorbed assholes would think anyone cared about them enough to use them. I love facebook! I have been able to play catch up with people I thought I would never hear from again and it has been nice learning where they are in their lives. This blog isn't about garnering sympathy and I don't think everyone gives a shit. This is more like a journal that I decided to make public. I hope it helps people understand where I am in my life. Maybe someone from one of my forum groups can take comfort in the idea that they are not facing this daily struggle alone.

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