Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Jeez, another crappy day, I amost wish these didn't need a title

Went to bed late last night pretty warn out. Had some friends over and had fun but it did wear me down a bit. Mark came home pissed off and oddly indifferent. I know he is already struggling at work again. He keeps coming to me with these different possible reasons for me being sick. Everything from floride poisoning, to an auto immune response to mold, to drinking too much soda. It isn't that I don't appreciate him trying to find a reason but now he says he wants to send me home the second we get orders and maybe getting me out of here will help me feel better. He is talking about either leaving the kids here with him or having his family fly over to help me get them back. I really like that he is thinking about me but all of those options make me feel like a fool. He also wants to get rid of several of our furniture because he is afraid it is contributing to my medical condition. I see the point but after moving how are we going to purchase a house and our new stuff? Basically, I am going to leave my husband, who is working a demanding job, to pack out our stuff and prepare everything to move? It just seems unfair that he is taking so much of this on himself. Worse, I can't do anything but let him.
Originally I was told we should hear back from our EFMP program within a week. Since then it has been next week, next week. I just called them to check our status and the girl told me not to expect an immediate response and that I probably still have some more waiting to do.
At this point I can't lie anymore or hide it. This is progressive. I spend my days trying to find the motivation to do simple things like the dishes, getting laundry folded, or just getting off my ass. My incredibly intellegent daughter spends her days watching tv and I know there is so much more I should be doing to facilitate her interests and her experiences but I shake so hard sometimes that even writing the alphabet is too much. I don't worry as much about Gavin because he has so much freedom, and lots of friends to play with. Our fabulous neighbor took him to two different beaches yesterday with her own three boys. One part of me was so excited that he got to go and experience that, another part was jealous that I wasn't the one taking him. I brought up taking some trips to close by places and my husband told me he didn't think it was a good idea since I got so easily warn down. I just want to experience as much of Japan as I can before I have to leave this beautiful country, probably forever.
I got up this morning aching really badly, especially in my hips. I still have cookies to decorate, more laundry needing to be folded, and dinner that needs to be made before my meat goes bad. I know it is repetitive to mention it but these are simple things and they seem so overwhelming. What almost makes it worse is that I have so many wonderful friends that would come and help me but they all have their own responsibilities and asking them to take care if mine makes me feel like I am taking advantage of them. I know that if I was feeling better I would make the same offer to them. I just don't want to leave them with empression of some needy and broken girl they knew that asked them to do everything for her. I want to be the one who helps, not the one who needs help. I guess it just feels like one more thing that was stolen from me. UGH! Fuck the way I feel dammit, I don't want to be this person.

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