Thursday, July 22, 2010

Good day but damn I am tired!

Got up this morning after sleeping for quite awhile. Was slow and achy at first but started feeling better as I kinda laid about. Amanda called and said that her husband, who is awaiting deployment, was off running around and that if she wanted me to come over to help me organize and clean. Talk about a huge help! She came over and folded my laundry (my eight loads of laundry.) I would like to say that I helped but I think I mostly just stood there bitching about my doctor and trying to figure out if I have made the right decision. She brought all of the laundry upstairs and we got it put away. THEN, we tackled my closet which looked like a tornado had hit it. A friend of hers is having a garage sale soon so I gave her like three bags of random stuff that we don't wear or use anymore. I felt bad for her, I kept trying to tell her that it was all clean and in decent condition but I was really loading her up. We got my closet done which was such a huge relief! I have taken a fair amount of meds today and am dying out quick but I am making the kids pasta for dinner and I am hoping Mark can come home too. I have started spliting up my fat burner and acai cleanser so instead of taking two pills of both at once I am taking one pill in the morning and one in the afternoon of both. It is helping my energy level. During dinner I kept getting vertigo and it finally got bad enough to make me get sick. After laying down for a few minutes with one foot on the floor I was feeling a little better. I was on the phone with Stephanie when it happened and I felt so stupid. She had to talk to my son until I could finish throwing up and get the energy to get up off the floor. Tell you the truth, dinner was the last thing I could do, I took it out of the food and laid down. I am finished. My body is aching, my head hurts, and my co-ordination is shot. Mark was pissed that I had overdone it again but it felt so good to get stuff done. I know he is mad at me but one part of me is feeling so useless just sitting here, and the other part of me just can't get what that fucking doctor said. Maybe if I do more everyday I will develop some kind of tolerence to the pain. The reality, and I hate to say that my husband is right here, is that I am driving my body into the ground. I can't stress enough how hard I am trying or how much my body is hurting. My husband will be going to the conference with the doctor with me. If that is what paitent advocacy decides to do seeing as how I haven't heard back from them anyway. Bringing my husband made me feel more secure because it was like bring a bulldog on a leash. I don't think he is going to let me hold the leash anymore. I really do want to be active and stay busy but my body hurts so fucking bad and it isn't like I am sitting on my ass focusing on my pain. I haven't talked to a few of my friends in awhile and I feel like maybe they are just sick of listening to me whine. I don't know. Everyone has their own lives and the things that keep them busy but I am feeling lonely. Stephanie has been awesome about calling me but, I know I have said it before, I am sure she is tired of hearing me bitch. My husband doesn't even listen anymore, as far as he is concerned if I am going to push myself then I should expect to feel this way. I just feel so lost. I have nothing to focus on so maybe if I pick one thing a day to do it will help the time go by faster. I hate this feeling of uselessness. One day I get up and do something and then I pay for it. Why can't I just be normal? My house looks so much better without all the laundry but I have no energy to clean it. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH I fucking hate this. I am laying here hurting trying to get Alynna to watch tv but everytime she moves around on the bed my body cries a little. Gavin is going to Kenji World tomorrow and he is trying to get everything ready but I have no energy to help him. I have to be up at 7 to take him to the bus. Right now I am just focusing on getting through this minute, this hour. My husband has said several times that I should stop letting that doctor get in my head but I just can't.
This was long and repetitive and I am sick of hearing myself talk about how much my body hurts so I can only imagine how anyone else reading this feels. For all those out there that actually listen to my bullshit rambling thank you. I swear I really am trying.

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