Friday, July 23, 2010

Last post I was in full on poor me whiny bitch mode!

Please excuse my recent pity party. I am frustrated by what is going on and the waiting is making me nuts, but it certainly isn't killing me. I am going to attach a link about the myths of fibromyalgia done by the Mayo Clinic and then a quote I think is appropriate.
"Many of the people who come to our fibromyalgia clinic are perfectionists who have very high expectations for themselves; likewise they can't adjust to more realistic expectations after they develop fibromyalgia symptoms. These people have difficulty learning to relax. They may push through the pain and keep doing activities to the point they crash and burn and need extra time to recover."
Throughout my life I have been a lazy perfectionist. Sounds funny, but I have basically expected things to go my way simply because I show up and do my best to make them that way. Unfortunately right now I can't do that. I am trying to learn to live within my limitations but it is difficult to go day by day feeling like I have accomplished so little. Really, who cares if dishes got done if the bathroom floor needs to be scrubbed and laundry is still piling up. I try to do these projects that say...Look, I'm not useless. Then I end up in bed or on the couch in pain and really what is the point. Mark and I talked more last night when he got home and his point of view is that after being married so long I have already proven what kind of person I am. I have worked two jobs, several times, I have made personal sacrifices so my family could be healthy, I have kept a clean house and a (mostly) straight bank book. I have already shown that I am not the kind of person that lets things get in their way. Anytime we have been faced with a shitty situation my response has always been...Alright, how are we gonna deal with this. That is the mindset I am trying to keep now. I get really discouraged when I imagine living the rest of my life this way. I am hopeful that something, be it simply going back to the states, getting new doctors, trying new meds, something is going to help me get back to a point where I feel like I am accomplishing something with my life. Maybe it is college, maybe working part time, who knows maybe one day I will be able to work full time again and go to college. All I know is sitting on my ass moaning about how hard it is right now does not pay a proper respect to all I have left in me.

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