Thursday, July 15, 2010

Today was a pretty good day, until an asshole ruined it.

I woke up a little early so I could go take care of our car insurance before my doctors appointment. I was shaky and a little weak but for the most part I felt pretty good. I finished up with the insurance place and had enough time to run to the bookstore before my doctors appointment where I found my favorite series newest book. Man, I was on a roll, I was feeling okay, I had gotten stuff done, I was up before noon, and my doctor was gonna give me botox which I had heard good things about. I get there and we start talking about me going back to the states and how I would really appreciate him adding a letter of support to my package to try to expedite it. He leans back in his chair, clasps his hands together and asks me why I think going back to the states is gonna help. First I just thought WTF? I explained that having a team of doctors that were experienced in their fields would be able to better treat my conditions. He leaned back a little farther and started to tell me that he thought my problems came from depression. They had already done about $50,000 worth of blood tests that all came back normal and that the botox we were about to use was another $1,000. My eyes just about bugged out of my head and I could feel my inner super bitch seriously starting to claw her way out. I asked him if he was basically saying that all this was in my head. He leaned forward with his "concerned face" and said no, of course not. That adjusting to a foreign country could be very difficult. I told him that yeah, it had been so hard getting my son into a great school, finding a job I loved, making some of the best friends imaginable, learning (at least conversationally) a foreign language, and being able to travel a foreign land that most people will never have or take the opportunity to. That basically, I loved it here but my body didn't. He then went onto ask why I though I felt so poorly. The inner bitch was screaming,"Aren't you the fucking doctor??" I said I didn't know that I had been researching all these different things that caused auto-immune responses. Like flouride toxicity, misotoxions, and conditions associated with my graves disease, and myastenia gravis. That I was not only trying to figure out how these conditions could be causing the problems but how I could treat them personally, without medications. He then went onto tell me that my test for myastenia gravis had come back negative. My inner bitch was seriously having a temper tantrum at this point. The testing for myastenia gravis is a test for a certain immune communicator, not having it doesn't mean I don't have the disorder and having the disorder explains a lot about my symptoms that are not unheard of but are rare in fibromyalgia. I explained to him that I was not a depressive or negative person that living the in pain the way I was forced to was what felt isolating and difficult. He tells me,"Well, you got to get out there and stay active." My response was so that I could crash for three days after? He told me that he was sure if I just made an effort to get out and do more that I would start to feel better. My response was that I try but I can't control it when my body is hurting, my head is throbbing, and my muscles are weak. He asked me if I had been trying to do the things that seemed helpful to fibro sufferers. I said yes, I do yoga for 30 minutes a day even when it was very painful, that I tried to sleep when I could, do things when I couldn't to keep myself distracted from my pain, eating healthier, and I had just started a water cleansing process with Acai. He then went onto criticizing my list of meds. Klonopin, which has been extremely helpful in helping me through my worst times, was the one he wanted me off of. Baclafor, my muscle relaxants that I believe help were another. He also discussed taking me off my indocin, which I have never felt like really helped anyway was another. Okay buddy, no problem there, and my tramazadone which is supposed to help me sleep but I don't think really helps much anyway. He suggested putting me back on Pamalor but at a higher dosage since it did obviously help me reach a deeper level of sleep, even though I quit taking it because it made me fuzzy headed and feeling heavy and clumsy. But, of course, at a higher dose my body might handle it better. Higher dose than the one that ultimately made me quit my job?? At this point my inner bitch was out and ready to let loose. THEN, he told me that he personally didn't want to change any of my meds but he would talk to my general practitioner about it. Some of these changes I have no problems with but once I get back to the states I will be seeing a team of doctors that can adjust my meds based on an entirely new approach to my pain. Why are we switching things around now?? He also recommended me seeing my mental health provider more often so she could make suggestions that might help. I have been seeing her since Nov of 2009, usually twice a month. What else exactly did he think she was going to do? She understands and agrees with me quitting my job and taking it easier. At least while that is what my body is telling me to do. At that point I just asked him to do the Botox and I would stop wasting his time. Then the whole time he was doing it he kept reiterating that fibro is a depression disorder. I just tried to stay quiet because fibro is not a depressive disorder. It starts when your body begins interpreting sensation as pain, goes onto sleeplessness or light sleep, which triggers more pain, which triggers more sleeplessness. Most depressive disorders are about brain chemistry not about auto-immune responses. What kind of fucking doctor are you? You think I haven't done my research? That I don't understand the condition I was diagnosed with. I have even been researching unknown and difficult to test for neuropathic conditions. FUCK YOU! Thankfully he shut up and finished my botox explaining how long it would take to go into effect and how long it would last. When we were finished he told me that he would write a supporting letter for my EFMP file. I hope I get it first because with the way he feels about my condition no fucking thank you. He did emphasize that more pressure might send me back to the states without my husband. That is when I finally looked at him and just let go. I told him that both of my other supporting letters had specified that going back alone was not an option, that I would need my entire families involvement and support to deal with this and hopefully start to feel better. His response was well, his flight is really what is holding all this up. ARGH, I can't make them move any faster and my husband is already planning his rampage about the lack of help he has received from them. To include taking this to the flight Commander. Basically I left feeling so much worse about this. What if it was all in my head? What if I was making it worse with all my meds. I have been trying so hard to go against my own grain and accept that this isn't my fault and that I am not doing anything wrong. He basically told me that I was depressed, not trying hard enough, and taking to many medications. Yeah, thanks prick. I left for the house pissed and at the same time feeling so unsure. I got home and just went straight to bed. A really sweet friend had offered to come get my kiddos and let them play at her house for a few hours but I called and told her not to bother. Instead tomorrow we are going to go grocery shopping off base and possibly to the 100 Yen store which always cheers me up even though I know it will wear me out. The more I think about it fuck that idiot doctor and yet I can't help but wonder....


  1. Wow.. im so sorry that asshole ruined your day. It totally sounds like my doctor.. he blames everything on depression! I hope you get out of here soon and get some help. <>

  2. I am so sick of the doctors here on base. Ive been depressed my whole life, and ive never had this kind of pain. im sorry but there is something wrong with you, and with me. and it isnt fucking depression. but instead of wanting to do their damn jobs and find the underlying problem they put us on stupid medications that make us feel like shit, blame it on depression, and kick us out the door. I am so sick of military doctors. everything is fibromyalgia, or depression. or here have 800mg motrin. im sorry the asshole ruined your day. i wish i could kick half of them and ruin their day.

  3. Don't know if this matters much to you but my family is praying for you Carly! You are an awesome wife, friend, and mom. You deserve SO much. Things will get better, it just might take a little while but it will. Try to stay focused on the long run. I know it has to be really hard to think of all of the positives and the long run with how crappy you feel and the way you are being treated but just keep your head up. You are a strong woman and the Carly I know wouldn't let some stupid prick and diagnosis get in her way!!!!