Monday, July 12, 2010
written November 2009
I have always had problems with pain. In the last six months to a year it has just escalated. My hips and shoulders, my neck and back, even my elbows and my knees ache. It's like I have overextended everything. If you have ever played tennis and gotten sore elbows that is pretty much what it is like, just everywhere. It isn't so bad that I can't do things, it is just bad enough to where I don't want to. I get up in the morning and it takes me an hour or so before I am not hunched over and moving slow. I had gotten to the point where I was sleeping in shifts. I could sleep for three or four hours, get up, and then go back to bed 8-12 hours later for another three or four hours. When I was still trying to sleep through the night I would hit two or three am and then spend the next four hours tossing and turning just getting more and more pissed off and uncomfortable. Let me tell you waking up with me is a nightmare. My husband says it is bad enough to lay next to someone that flops around like a fish out of water but having to get up in the morning and go somewhere with me is a horrible. I nag him all the time that we never go anywhere. We are fortunate to live in Japan and yet we don't go exploring that often. After talking honestly with him recently I finally realized how hard I make it for everyone. I nag that we never go anywhere, so we make plans to take a trip. I am a bitch while I am packing things up and preparing because my body aches. Then we get into the car for an hour or two and by the time we get there I am so miserable that I am a bitch to be around. By the time I arrive at our destination my body aches and I don't want to walk, I don't want to carry our daughter, all I want to do is sit. I swear I try to make the best of it and push through it but I ended snapping at everyone. I bitch at my daughter for wanting to be carried, I bitch at my son for running ahead because I can't keep up, I bitch at my husband because he isn't talking to me (maybe because I am being such a bitch??) I am not a depressive person. I don't sit around feeling sorry for myself. I do want to do things. I want to keep a nice house, and then the thought of having to carry a full laundry basket up the stairs makes my eyes well with tears. I want to go places, then when we get there I can't muster the energy to enjoy myself. I want to play at the park with my kids, then after the walk over there I can't lift my daughter up or push her on the swings. I fucking hate this! I am sitting here right now in front of my computer with dishes in my sink, laundry that needs to be folded and put away, and a floor that hasn't been vacuumed in a week. Basically I am hiding from everything that needs to be done. I finally went to the doctor and he tells me that I probably have fibromyalgia but before a formal diagnoses he wants to run a bunch of tests. I asked him what I am supposed to do between now and the next time I see him (more than 30 days from now in the beginning of December.) He gives me a prescription for Elavil and a referral to mental health. He says maybe I am depressed. Look folks I know my body, I don't hurt because I am depressed. I start taking the pills he gave me and they do make me sleep...For 14 hours at a stretch, after which I wake up twice as sore as I was when I went to sleep. Then I walk around like a zombie because I feel all drugged up. I have no idea how to handle this. I am so lucky, I have a great husband, who loves me for me in spite of being such a bitch lately. We have two beautiful, charming, and intelligent children that are being completely being short changed in the good mom department but still manage to act pretty well adjusted and happy. My husband has a stable job that provides a decent income and we have a nice house. I just don't know how to deal with this. My husband has suggested we get a mamasan to come in and deal with the bulk of the house work but honestly I feel like I should be able to handle it. I work part time at a cafe and I have the best job. I get paid really well, the job is easy, and I work with some of the sweetest people. I have been cutting my hours more and more because I can't even do that. I can't stand for eight hours and make coffee and put in food orders. How pathetic is that? I don't even know why I am writing all this I just feel like I have to get it out. I hate feeling like this! I am going to call my doctor tomorrow and tell him that I am not going to take the pills anymore, they are just making things worse. I don't know what to say to him. I feel so stupid. I am going to go and fold laundry and try to clean up my house a little. My husband has started working nights so he is going to get up in about three hours and I don't want him to see how little I have accomplished today. I feel like I am such a disappointment to everyone. I don't know how to end this except to say that there has to be something I can do to not feel like this all the time.