Monday, July 26, 2010
Blah, up and down, up and down
Today was well, today. I got to see a few friends and take the kiddos swimming which was nice. I didn't feel great when I got up today and the water kind of wore me out even though I didn't really do anything but walk around with Alynna. Gavin was upset because there weren't enough goggles to go around and sat and pouted the last hour. We had to talk about that when we got home about having fun just because your friends are but I wonder what kind of example I am giving him. Fuck, I don't even know if anyone is reading my bullshit anymore. It is always the same. I always hurt. I talked to Mark today about wanting to act like we were friends every now and then instead of both of us being absorbed in whatever is going on. I really don't even know what to say. I am tired of waiting. I think I might not be friends with a friend anymore. I don't know how it happened. We used to spend time together all the time but now we never see each other and while I miss her I am not sure the feeling is mutual. I thought we had fun together but maybe she is just sick of my crap. Everyone has their own thing going on and I understand that but I am lonely. A co-worker of Marks wife is going to start coming over. I think she is kinda in the same place. Her husband has medical problems and I think she feels isolated too. It is difficult to understand what chronic pain and medical problems do to a person and their family unless you are experiencing it. I am on support groups online but honestly I am a social people person and I miss people. I miss my job, even if it was just because I got to talk to people and feel like I was accomplishing something. Now dishes or practicing ABC's are accomplishments. It just isn't the same. I feel like I am just floating through some kind of abyss with no beginning or end. No direction, no clear destination in sight. Just floating. I always hurt, the pain is always there. My doctors either don't know what to do about it or they just don't give a shit and are looking forward to me being someone else's problem. I know everything that can be done is but right now where does that leave me?