Tuesday, July 20, 2010

This sucks!

Last night my sleep was really broken. I was out by 2, up at 6, back out at a little after 10 and then had to be up for a doctors appointment with my therapist at 11:45. I woke up tired, bitchy, sore, basically everything I was feeling last night. It was like I didn't feel any better. I went to my doctors appointment in a pretty miserable mood. I told her that on the positive we shouldn't be waiting to much longer for our orders and that my husband and I had been communicating better. On the negative I started to tell her about my appointment with Dr Bowes and all the things he had said. Honestly, it just brought back all of the feelings I felt when I left that appointment. It made me doubt myself all over again. Between that and the fact that my body was hurting I cried for the last half hour. I sucked it up, and made the decision to write a formal complaint against Dr. Bowes. I left feeling like at least that was something I could focus on and deal with, even if I felt a little overwhelmed with life in general. On my way out the person that handles the EFMP paperwork was there and so I asked her about our status and if there was anything I could do, any letters or emails I could write, anything. She said no, that she wasn't actually expecting a response anytime soon that it typically took more like 60 days to get them processed but it could take longer. First they had said 48-72 hours then next week, next week, now we are at a month and even the EFMP website says 4-6 weeks. So we have no idea when we will be leaving. I have no idea when I will be able to see competent doctors that have any real knowledge of my condition, whatever it is. I was so looking forward to just getting out of here and having the chance to start from ground zero with doctors that knew what tests to run and what medications could be the most effective to help me. In addition what changes I needed to make personally that would be the most helpful. I am so tired of waiting. I put on this mask for my friends and family about how I am happy and thinking towards the positive but when I am alone or when I talk to my therapist that mask comes off and the truth comes out. My body hurts, every second of every day, and I am just exhausted. Tired of waiting for decent doctors, tired of waiting to find out where we are going, tired of pretending to be okay when I am just not. I don't want to play the victim or have people get tired of hearing me say how miserable I am. I am just not that kind of person, even when things have been at their worst I have always tried to present a positive front. By the time I left that office I just couldn't do it anymore. I came home and went straight upstairs to lay down hoping my family would just leave me alone until I could get myself under control. Of course that didn't happen. Mark came upstairs and just wouldn't listen when I asked him to give me a few minutes. I tried to tell him how I felt and he just started blaming people. My therapist because I come home feeling like this, I can be completely honest with her, of course it is depressing but at least it feels good to tell someone. My doctors because they haven't helped me. His flight because they didn't sign off on the paperwork. The EFMP program because they were obviously just lazy and didn't care. Misawa because he thinks something here is making me ill. I just started crying. He wasn't hearing me. He didn't get that it didn't matter where it came from, I am just so exhausted of trying to pretend everything is okay. It's not. I am tired of pretending it doesn't hurt to pick up my daughter or walk around the store. I am tired of living in a messy house because I don't have the energy to clean it up. I am tired of going to see doctors that just kind of shrug their shoulders because they don't know what to do. I am just so tired of it all. I love my friends and they are wonderful but they all have their own struggles and obstacles, they don't need to carry mine. Even the other day when I felt okay I still hurt, it is endless. It never stops. I keep trying to hold onto hope that things will get better when we get back to the states but I just don't know. Right now I don't know anything except that I am hurting and exhausted. I spoke to Mark a little while ago on the phone and I think he actually understood where I was coming from. We had a good talk and I think he had calmed down enough to really get what I was trying to say. He told me that after twelve years of marraige he knew when I was faking it. That it was just one more thing that was making him feel like he wasn't doing enough. I explained to him that none of this was his fault and that I didn't expect him to do anything he wasn't already doing. I hate that he feels like he has failed in someway too. That is what really makes me crazy when I think about it. I have a good life. Good marraige, great kids, terrific friends. But my body is keeping kme from enjoying any of it. I am so tired of trying to pretend like I can enjoy any of the great fortunes I have in my life because I can't seem to get past this pain to take any joy in any of it.

Stephanie I am sorry if you are reading this and feel upset that I am not being fully honest with how awful I feel. I know that you would carry the burdens of the world if people would let you, matter of fact I think you should be nicknamed Atlas. I get sick of hearing myself say the same things over and over again, I can't imagine how you feel. You are one of the most incredible people that I have ever met, but you don't deserve to have all this dumped on your shoulders. It certainly isn't like you don't have enough to deal with on your own. Two more paychecks Babe.

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